Lametones de Amor

Una llamada a la incorrección en agradables tonos pastel

Pope gone to heaven

Bienvenidos sean lectores a este remanso de paz rosa y amarillo. Nos preguntábamos esta tarde acompañados del vermú si, hastiados como estamos ya de Papa Muerto, era necesario un articulo más sobre el tema Papa Cadáver. Y claro, en tal estado aceituno-etílico nos dijimos “¡qué diablos! si a nuestro lectores ya les gusta esto”. Además, mucho nos tememos que la mayoria de ustedes son almas perdidas, descreidos, ateos y comunistas que, en definitiva, muy poco conocen de las liturgias que acontecerán a lo largo de estos dias de luto mundial. Por eso hemos creido necesario informarles algo más a cerca del NecroShow Vaticano que se nos viene encima.
Que alguien emprenda el largo viaje final es algo con mayor o menor repercusión mediática en función del dinero, el poder o la fama que atesore dicho individuo. Pero en el caso de la muerte de un Papa el hecho trasciende más allá (je je) de lo que se considera meramente un acto oficial para convertirse en un espectáculo a nivel mundial que perpetua tradiciónes macabras, ritos ostentosos y ceremoniales totalmente anacrónicos.
Ya saben a lo que nos referimos, Amorosos. ¿Cuanto hacía que no veían una momia fotografiada en la portada de sus peródicos favoritos? Y no, no vale que nos menten a Fraga o algún otro lovepollable. La momificación es algo totalmente demodé; algo que ha quedado apartado para líderes comunistas y para folclóricas españolas. Por lo menos en el caso de Wojtyla se han modernizado los ancestrales métodos de evisceración que se habían practicado hasta hace sólo un par de papas y se han sustituido por unos litrillos de formaldehido en vena. Este cambio de procedimiento se debe a que la tradición dicta que cualquier fiel que lo desee puede acercare a besar los pies del pontífice decesado; cosa que no había originado problema alguno hasta que Pio XII les quedó tan mal embalsamado que el hedor provocaba desmayos hasta en la aguerrida guardia suiza.
Con respecto a lo de las vísceras, esta nueva costumbre de cambiar los humores corporales por disolvente orgánico ha traido un problemilla, y es que los compatriotas de Karol quieren que se le arranque el corazón para enterrarlo en la capital de su Polonia natal. Como en Leyendas de Pasión, manda huevos lo que se flipan los polacos.
También es cuanto menos curioso el método para certificar la muerte del pontífice: llamarlo tres (3) veces por su nombre de pila mientras se le dan sendos golpecitos en la frente con un martillito, eso sí, de plata y marfil. Muy hermoso, como si no estuviese bastante puteado el (supuesto) muerto. Si el Papa no responde, el camarlengo, cual Frodo Bolsón de blanco atuendo, debe coger el anillo de poder papal y destruirlo por fundición en una llama sagrada.
A nosotros, lo que más nos inquieta el traslado a través de la Plaza de San Pedro con el cadaver a cuestas sobre una bandeja. Ahí al aire libre, sin resguardo alguno, expuesto a un resbalón desafortunado… ¿Y si llueve? Imaginen que le cae un rayito o una colilla bien dirigida y el formaldehido hace gala de su bajo punto de ignición. Se convertiría en una parodia muy bonita de un entierro vikingo: del Vaticano al Valhalla con el milagro de la autocombustión. O que se cagase una paloma o algún otro pajarillo, como un buitre leonado o una gaviota; ¡qué infortunio sería!
Pero bueno, de momento ha llegado sano y salvo a la Capilla Ardiente, todavía tienen de tiempo hasta el viernes para pasarse por ella. Después los restos de Juan Pablo II descansarán en un magnífico féretro con tres (3) capas reservado sólo a los capitostes de la Iglesia. La primera, de ciprés, árbol sacro. La segunda, de olmo, árbol noble. La tercera, de plomo por la humildad, la perdurabilidad del espíritu y para evitar que la humedad y el tiempo cuarteen la madera. Un lujazo, oigan

Despedida y homenaje
Ains, ahora nos hemos emocionado. Si es que… no se puede ser bueno, leñes. Como excepción y homenaje, vamos a dedicarle una canción a Wojtylla; pero no una tonterida de esas que solemos poner, sino una bonita de verdad.

“Monkey Gone To Heaven”

Está dormidoThere was a guy,
an under water guy who controlled the sea.
Got killed by ten million pounds of sludge
from New York and New Jersey.

This monkey’s gone to heaven

The creature in the sky
got sucked in a hole,
now there’s a hole in the sky
and the ground’s not cold
and if the ground’s not cold
everything is gonna burn
we’ll all take turns
I’ll get mine, too.

This monkey’s gone to heaven

Rock me Joe!

if man is 5 if man is 5 if man is 5
then the devil is 6 then the devil is 6 then the devil is 6 then the devil is 6
and if the devil is 6
then god is 7 then god is 7 then god is 7.
This monkey’s gone to heaven.

Ya que hablamos de canciones bonitas, nuestro buen amigo y mejor persona Mitx-Book-a-Anan empieza a dar sus primeros pasos en el inquietante mundo de la producción musical propia. El amiguete, probablemente tras ver al hombre orquesta de Mary Poppins, decidió que tampoco debía ser taaan difícil componer, cantar, tocar las guitarras, los bajos, hacerse los coros y mezclarlo él solito. Lo único que le faltaba es colgarlo en la red de internete y decidió hacerlo en un certamen de la Fundación Joan March y de paso también en nuestro espacio virtual. Para eso está, caballeros, para lo que nos venga en gana y para lo que ustedes gusten.
El único tema que nos ha enviado (por ahora), es una canción pop bonita pero triste; y como no podía ser de otro modo se titula Love Song.

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